


something dumb to do

by cjcjc



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Human bill, M/M, accidentally married AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-09 12:25:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11669088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjcjc/pseuds/cjcjc
Summary: Dipper tags along with Pacifica on her hen party to Las Vegas and she ends up not being the only one to get married.





	1. wake me up

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this stupid fic works out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marriage shenanigans

Dipper's head was throbbing. It felt too tight around his temples and his mouth was dry. He cracked open one eye to find a room he did not book and lying on a pillow that felt too plush to have been booked six months early in an effort to get it cheap.

_Shit_.

He shot up despite his body's protests and blearily checked his phonescreen that was too bright in the dim room and was running low. It was 1:06 in the afternoon and he had 48 missed calls from Pacifica that he didn't recall missing. Dipper was glad that Pacifica and Mabel shared a phone on the trip because she was more sensible and wouldn't barricade him with calls. He started to type a text ' _sorry Paz I can't rmbr anything and I'm hungover I'll come to our room now I dnt know where I am but I'll b there soon. If I'm not there by 2 call the police_ '. Dipper sighed and rubbed a hand over his face and tried to recollect what had happened the night before.

He scanned the room hoping to restart his head. It was lush, white and spacious like the bed. The bed with the stranger in it. A groan broke him out of his thoughts. Dipper felt panick set in, ' _Did I sleep with someone last night?!_ ' This wasn't like him. He felt his stomach lurch with dread but that could've also been last night's alcohol. He stood up warily not wanting to ruin the white carpet.

He could see blond strands splayed on the pillow and a tanned shoulder peeking above the sheet. Dipper didn't know how to confront this and he didn't really want to wake the sleeping stranger. He walked towards the brown desk set in front of a mirror where there was a jug of water and a stack of cups. He carefully poured himself a cup and tried to calm his shaking hands.

"Leaving so soon?" A voice rasped out.

Startled Dipper cautiously backed up against the desk and replied, "Just getting water, I don't know about you but my head feels fucked."

The stranger laughed, voice still husky from not being used and his throat dry. "Not the only thing of yours that got fucked."

Dipper's mouth dropped as his face heated up. "I'm joking! I'm joking! You look like you're about to pass out or shit yourself." A hazel eye caught his gaze over that tanned shoulder. "Nice piece of bling you got there."

Dipper cocked a brow and looked down expecting a gold chain but found a black shirt staring back at him instead. "Huh?"

"Look at your hand, kid."

Dipper scrunched his face at the nickname before glancing down at his left hand clutching the glass of water. Lo and behold through the glass he found a gold band glinting at him. "Oh man."

The stranger cackled. " _Oh man_ ," Dipper repeated and quickly chugged down his water. The room spun. "Who even are you?" His brain reminded him.

The stranger sat up letting the blanket slide down revealing his bare chest. "I don't know kid but apparently," he lifted his hand. "I'm your husband."

"You're lying."

"Come over and take a closer look then, kid."

"I've got a name." Dipper scoffed and refilled his cup. His head was pounding, there was a stranger in his bed and he was _married_.

The stranger cocked his head and asked, "Well, can you please pass me a cup of water, Mason?"

Dipper flushed, there was this stranger in the bed he slept in who knew his birth name and he's definitely sure that he's not known him for 24 hours. He sighed and grabbed another cup to fill with water and padded towards the bed. Even the carpet felt expensive, the thought of paying for the room was enough to make him wince.

"Thank you." The man sounded sincere.

"What's your name anyway?" Dipper interrogated and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm hurt that you don't remember," the stranger feigned hurt. "Kid, I won't bite you don't have to peform a balancing act."

Dipper shifted up the bed and scanned the man's face. He was subtley proud that he'd landed himself with this stranger: sharp jawline, striking hazel eyes and a smirk that radiated confidence and charm. "William."

The stranger groaned, "Of course."

"What?"

"Of course you'd remember my full name, it's Bill by the way."

"Bill." Dipper repeated rolling the name on his tongue testing the way it came out of his mouth. "So Bill, is this your room? Because this sure isn't mine."

Bill grinned, "Nope!"

"What?" Dipper asked for what felt like the millionth time. He had too many questions unanswered.

"Cmon kid, look at how big this room is! Why would one person rent this out?" Bill stretched his arm out to emphasise his point.

Dipper floundered, "Some people like to live lavishly."

"By the looks of it, must be the honeymoon suite perfect for newlyweds. They even gave us a bouquet!" Bill refered to the roses placed on the table and white helium balloon that said 'Congratulations!'

"You're oddly optimistic about all this."

Bill confidently swung his legs over the bed nearly kicking Dipper in the face. "What's the worst that could happen? It's probably a fad, if you can't remember anything last night what were the chances of us getting wed at a proper chapel, huh?"

"Well–"

Bill stood up and stretched, the expanse of his back sculpted by the shadows the light made which was seeping through the curtains. Dipper despite being thankful that Bill was wearing boxers, avoided his gaze by looking down at the ring and twisting it back and forth. It felt foreign and heavy on his fourth finger. "Unless I see Mason Cipher on a legal pile of papers then I believe we got these rings from the dollar store and pretended we got married for this nice looking suite." He walked off to explore another room before Dipper could intervene about who was changing their last name. "By the looks of it, it's a great deal considering the price was a fake marriage!"

Dipper's phone buzzed. ' _WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????????_ '

_'DIPPER IF YOU ARENT DEAD IM GOING TO FIND YOU AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE_ '

' _CALL ME NOW_ '

He sighed and reluctantly called Mabel through Pacifica's number who picked up before his phone had the chance to ring once. "Um hi." He answered sheepishly.

"Oh thank god you're alive, where have you _been_?!" Mabel screeched. "Paz and I have been worried sick, well after getting aspirins and realising we'd actually lost you, heh."

"It's fine I'm in a hotel room," Dipper assured. "With this guy–"

"–did you sleep with him–"

"–no I didn't Mabes," Dipper sighed hesitantly, "but I married him though."

"Married?! It's Paz's hen party and you get married?!"

"I was drunk!"

"So was I!"

Dipper sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, he needed aspirins. "Look Mabel I can't remember anything from last night but I'll update you when I can. My phone's running low and I'll call you back as soon as possible."

"What about the strip club tonight?" Mabel quipped.

"Do I have to go?"

"C'mon Dipper! You paid for your own flight here, might as well enjoy where your money went!"

"Ugh fine, okay," Dipper glanced up at Bill who was walking towards the bed again. "Bill's here anyway–"

"–Bill?!–"

"And I really need to go because my phone's about to die, love ya." He ended the call when he looked up Bill's face was too close for his liking. His left hazel eye looked gold caught in the sunlight. "Do you not own personal space?"

Bill grinned, Dipper knew he'd have to get used to his smug little face for a little while. "Well, since we're married I thought differently."

"But we aren't!" Dipper countered and leaned back on his hands in an effort to create space between them. "We don't even know if it's legal."

"Let's find out!" Bill answered smoothly, it reminded Dipper of his sister who always had an answer to everything.

Dipper scrunched his nose, "Are you immune to hangovers?"

"Pain is temporary, the binding of two people in holy matrimony is forever." Dipper rolled his eyes as Bill guffawed.

"I'm going to take a shower."

Bill sat down to the space next to him, "Do you want me to order breakfast?"

Dipper got up and moved to collect his jeans dumped on the floor. "Let's just eat out, I've a feeling breakfast is expensive in the hotel."

Bill frowned, "I'll pay, least I could do for my husband."

-

By the time Bill had finished his shower and stepped out, he found the hotel room spotless and Dipper fixing his damp hair and wearing the blue shirt he'd worn last night. He had opened the curtains, laid the bedsheets and even set out Bill's shirt and jeans. "Checking out so soon?"

Without looking up from the mirror, Dipper replied, "Yes because the sooner we leave the less we pay."

Bill felt himself frown again, "You're so frugal."

Irritated, this time Dipper looked at him, "It's called paying for my own flight and hotel room here while trying to pay off student loans and waking up in the most expensive looking and feeling hotel room I've ever had."

"I can pay you know," Bill added quietly. "I'm not joking Mason."

"Dipper."

"What's wrong with Mason?" Bill pressed and padded towards the white button-up shirt he'd worn the night before.

"I don't like it." Dipper's attention was back to the mirror as his curls wouldn't stay where he wanted them to. "Besides, grew up with the nickname Dipper anyway."

Bill started to get dressed, "Honestly I can pay Dipper."

"We're halving it, no ifs or buts."

"Fine, I'm halving your loans, no ifs or buts." Bill argued and tucked his shirt into his jeans.

Dipper looked bemused, "You don't even know me!"

Bill walked towards him, "So the least I could do for my stranger-husband is pay this ridiculously expensive hotel room."

Dipper didn't look convinced, "What if you're drowning in student loans too, huh?"

Bill smirked, "I would if I went to college kid! Now, breakfast?"

Bill convinced Dipper that they didn't need to check out yet and dragged him down to a cosy diner where they ate feverishly. It reminded Dipper of Greasy's albeit the fact their food was less greasy and didn't contain as much hair.

"When did food taste this good?" Dipper moaned and shoved another mouthful of waffle into his mouth.

"Yeesh kid slow down, you're gonna get a stomach ache," commented Bill who took a sip of sparkling water.

Dipper rolled his eyes, "You look conceited."

"Ouch kid," Bill clutched his chest and Dipper couldn't help but notice the ring sitting on his finger. It suited him while Dipper felt like his looked awkward and clunky on his hand. "You've got a whole barrage of insults."

Dipper smiled, "Enough to divorce?"

"You've reminded me, I found a few hundred pictures of us at some chapel." Bill fished out his phone and searched for them. "I've been trying to figure out which chapel it is."

Bill handed him the phone and Dipper swiped through photos of their wedding. Scrolling through them he vaguely recalls Bill proposing to him at a club for some unknown reason. In the photos Bill is wearing a bow tie and Dipper is wearing a veil attached to his head with some gaudy tiara. There's even a photo of their kiss sealing their marriage in front of a crowd he doesn't recognise. There's blurry photos of what looks like rainbow coloured confetti and oh, he doesn't remember this. They've taken a selfie, Dipper doesn't recognise the street but they're under a hazy pink light, definitely drunk by the looks of their flushed faces squished together, but comprehensive enough to be grinning at the phone which Bill is holding eagerly and his other arm wrapped around Dipper's shoulders. He could almost feel the warmth from his chest radiate from the screen.

"We met at the club, the one with the massive neon palm tree," recollected Dipper who handed Bill his phone back. "I remember because you kept calling me a pinetree the whole night and I thought you didn't know the difference between the two."

Bill's eyes lit up, "Ah yes! Pines. Dipper Pines, that's why I called you that not because I'm stupid." He laughed looking flushed. "I remember getting the rings, we got them from a Pawn shop near the chapel and you chose the cheapest ones there."

Dipper snorted, "At least when drunk I still manage to save some money. We need to give them back anyway."

"We got married last night and you're already thinking about divorce?! Am I that intolerable?" Bill teased and ducked his head to finish off his plate.

Dipper hummed, "Not intolerable, just intense and way too easy going for someone who woke up married to a stranger." He drummed his fingers against the table and intently watched the ring bob up and down. He decided Bill was the best case scenario to get married to in a drunken trip in Vegas.

They finished their breakfast even though Dipper insisted it was brunch. "The chapel couldn't have been far from the hotel, we were too drunk at reception to have wandered that far." Bill remarked as Dipper caught up to his strides. "Catch up, kid."

Dipper huffed, "It's not my fault you're abnormally tall so that a single step for you is about two and a half for me."

Bill wrapped an easy arm around his shoulders as they approached the first chapel they found. "This looks good hubby, let's go see those papers shall we?"

 


	2. easy easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Married shenanigans continue at a strip club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> schedule will hopefully be every Monday, just updating early because I can't do Monday. 
> 
> PSA: I'm not from America so I'm making all the American stuff up and hoping for the best:)) enjoy this chapter! (ps: I changed mum into mom just to make it authentic)  
> (Extra extra: im typing this out on my phone please be forgiving)

They weaved in and out of a couple of chapels before finally arriving at what seemed like the one they got married at. The altar looked too similar for it to be the wrong one. It was too early in the afternoon for the chapel to have a wedding on so they asked the staff if they could have any validation on their marriage. "I'm going to need to see ID," the woman demanded. She had great big red bouncy curls that stayed cemented in place.

"Here ya go," Bill handed his driver's license. "Don't you need a license to get married?"

"Yes." The lady replied monotonously. "According to our records, you already have a license."

Dipper squinted his eyes at Bill and hissed, "You have a license?!"

"Apparently you have one too!" Bill whispered back. "We can't get married unless both of us do."

The woman cleared her throat, "In fact, your license is only a day old. Both of you retrieved one and got married here. Congratulations." She smiled overbearingly and handed them their papers and Bill's driver's license.

Dipper felt his face pale as he read the very official looking marriage certificate. ' **This is to certify that the undersigned,** Minister Leopold Michaels **did on the** 28th **day of** July 2017 **at** Little Chapel Las Vegas, **Nevada, join in lawful wedlock** William Cipher **of** Gravity Falls, Oregon **and** Mason Pines **of** Piedmont, California **with their mutual consent in the presence of** Linda Hollands.'

He heard Bill say "thank you" before ushering both of them to leave. "It's official," Dipper stated and reread the certificate as if it was going to change in the sunlight. "Oh my god, I'm married! What am I going to say to my parents?"

"That you've got a lovely husband of course," Bill reciprocated wrapping an easy arm around Dipper's shoulders again. In a way he appreciated the gesture, it grounded him in a weird way that would ground a person married to a stranger.

"Hold this for a minute," Dipper shoved the certificate in Bill's hand and took out his phone from his pocket and clicked on Pacifica's number. "I need to tell my sister that I'm officially married to a William Cipher."  
  
"Hello?" Pacifica answered.

"Hi Paz, is Mabel with you?" Bill's arm steered Dipper down a corner.

There was a small fumble before she replied with, "Yes she is but Dipper Pines how dare you get married during my hen do!"

"It was an accident!" Dipper argued and he heard Bill laugh who was meandering him through the city. "Anyway, can you put Mabel on the phone?"

"Sure sure," she complied.

"Dipper! We just went to a spa and it was amazing, I let fish eat the dead skin on my feet!" Dipper let her ramble before he interrupted with: "Mabel I am officially and lawfully married."

"You told me this," she whined. "Also I hope you're not ditching us for your husband, don't forget about the strip club tonight!"

"I'm not going to ditch you, I'll be at our hotel 7:30 okay?" He reassured.

"Are you going to tell mom and dad?" She asked quietly.

Dipper sighed and Bill shot him a concerned look. "I don't know Mabes," he shrugged off Bill's arm because it suddenly felt too hot. "I'm definitely getting a divorce," his voice became quiet and Bill gave him space by looking into a window shop. "But you know, _money_ and we got a stupidly expensive hotel _suite_ and the trip."

Mabel gently offered, "Do you think he would halfsies?"

Dipper looked back at Bill who was intently concentrating on a window shop of clocks. "He offered to pay for the hotel suite but I can't let him do that."

"Would it hurt ya to let people help?"

Dippers face scrunched up, they argued about this before they went to Las Vegas. Pacifica offered to pay all expenses but Dipper insisted he'd pay for it instead. He even took extra shifts at the café, library and took up babysitting just to help pay for it. "I'll see you at the hotel, love you Mabes."

It was like he could see her face, the way it would drop with downcast eyes and a down turned mouth. "See you there Dipdop, love you too."

Dipper took a big breath and then puffed out his chest. He spun on his heel and slapped a smile on his face, "Now, where did you take me?"

"Best place in Vegas," Bill answered quickly who'd become tired of staring at clock faces. "My dad used to take me on business trips here."

Dipper's eyes widened, "Casually as you do."

"My favourite place was the aquarium," Bill continued as he pushed Dipper into the small queue. "Since I didn't get a chance to take you out on a date before our marriage, I figured I might as well take you on one right now."

Dipper spluttered taken aback, he tried to find signs of bluffing but Bill was looking back at him with eager eyes and a nervous smile. He hadn't seen that smile on him before. "Fine, just one okay? Then divorce." Dipper bargained and Bill placed his arm around Dipper's shoulders again. "You're still a stranger you know."

"That's what dates are for, getting to know each other," Bill replied back to his easy grins and paid for their tickets before Dipper could intervene.

Bill dragged him into the aquarium before Dipper could grumble, "I have my wallet."

"I asked you on a date, only fair I should be the one paying," Bill countered navigating the dim attraction. It was fairly large and was lit up from the lights inside the tanks, but Bill's eyes still seemed to glint in the darkness. "My favourite fish is the blobfish."

Bill took Dipper to the darkest tank and there sat a blob fish. It was, well, a blob of pink jelly-like flesh with a great big frown protruding from its face. It had small black beady eyes that seemed to be staring into his eyes before it swam away. Dipper didn't know whether to cry or laugh at it. "Why's it your favourite fish?"

Bill took his arm off Dipper's shoulders and pressed both of his palms onto the tank. "When I used to go to the aquarium, I used to go by myself," he begun softly and dropped his arms to hang by his side. "This tank always used to be left alone a lot so I used to just sit in front of this blobfish and watch it."

Dipper didn't know what to say, he felt dumbfounded. He mustered all the courage in his body and gently brushed his knuckles against Bill's. "Well, you got me now to sit in front of this blobfish and watch it."

Bill laughed softly and Dipper admired the way Bill's sharp features were rounded off with the way he spoke and the way his arm would wrap around Dipper's shoulders. "Are you willing to sit in front of this blobfish for three hours of your life Dipper?"

"Well," Dipper crossed his legs and sat down. "If I could marry a stranger on a drunken whim then maybe I'll sit with my married stranger in front of a blobfish tank."

"You're one of a kind Pines," Bill remarked and sat beside him. "Do you wanna hear twenty-seven fascinating facts about blobfish? I've memorised the fact sheet they used to have up here."

Dipper laughed but Bill looked extremely serious. "Number one, Blobfish are deep sea creatures and are very rarely found on the surface."

"This is one way to get to know each other," Dipper ran a hand through his hair. "Instead of twenty-seven fascinating facts about blobfish, what about twenty-seven fascinating facts about William Cipher?"

"You didn't even let me reach the best fact!" Bill whined and the blobfish returned into their view. "But fact number one, I hate William so stop calling me that, _Mason_."

Dipper playfully flicked Bill's shoulder, "Fine I'll give you that one. Why do you hate it so much? It's a nice name."

"Fact number two," Bill declared quietly. "My dad's name is William."

Dipper decided not to prod at the subject any longer because Bill was starting to get more focused on the damned blobfish and he could sense Bill's train of thought drifting. "Fact number one about Dipper Pines," Dipper hastily added. "I have the Big Dipper as a birthmark."

Bill threw his head back and laughed, "That's what you meant by grew up with it?!"

Dipper shoved his shoulder into Bill's with a grunt. "You're definitely not getting a second date after this, you're a terrible husband."

"Fact number three, I'm a wonderful husband," debated Bill. "I would know, I took etiquette classes."

Dipper snorted, "Is fact number four that you live in a castle? Fact number five, you have a butler who addressed you by Master Cipher."

Bill laughed and bumped his shoulders with Dipper. "I dropped out so don't think I'm all that." Dipper hummed in agreement.

They stayed in front of the blobfish tank for a couple of hours. Dipper learnt that Bill had in fact visited the Mystery Shack his grunkles owned in Gravity falls and decided that nothing was going to surprise him anymore. Bill found out that Dipper studied physics at college but honestly couldn't keep up with all the physics lingo Dipper threw at him passionately. It was nice.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning for the divorce then?" joked Bill as they headed back to their hotel.

Dipper hesitated, "Actually Bill I'm not sure–"

"Look Dipper, if this is about money I'll pay for it. Don't worry about it, kid." The sun was setting and the sky looked pink. It reminded Dipper of the hazy pink light they were under in the photo they took last night.

Dipper floundered and he wondered if he stayed too long at the aquarium. He forgot to ask about money in their conversation, Bill could be a tycoon for all he knew. He wondered why Bill would just throw money around like that, especially for someone like him.

The walk back to the hotel was quiet because Dipper found himself pondering over a lot of things, he wished he asked more questions. "You got everything on ya?" Bill asked as they approached reception.

"Yeah unless you want the bouquet," answered Dipper and searched for his wallet.

Bill seemed irked, "You better be looking for your phone."

Dipper bit his lip and his sister's voice popped in his head " _Would it hurt ya to let people help?_ " He reached out and grabbed Bill's arm before he could pay and blurted, "I'll let you pay! If! If ..." He fumbled for an idea. "If you come with me to the strip club tonight with my friends."

Astounded Bill stared at him for a while before producing his grin, all sharp at the corners. "It's a deal, kid."

Bill finished checking out. "Is it okay if we meet at my hotel?" Dipper sheepishly suggested. "We aren't leaving until 8 and I want to get changed into new clothes."

"That's fine with me kid, any car parks near your hotel?" They left the hotel and started to head to a taxi rank.

"Yeah there was, I remember because Paz wanted to bring her limo."

Dipper reached the hotel earlier than scheduled and headed up to his room where he took another shower and changed into a more comfortable shirt. By 7:38 Mabel was knocking on his door, "Dipper! Are you in there?"

He quickly spritzed cologne on his wrists and opened the door. "Hi Mabes," he greeted and she walked in shutting the door behind her. She was wearing a big sequinned holographic dress that Grunkle Stan and Ford would've definitely disapproved of.

She was grinning at him widely and Dipper couldn't fathom why. "You're wearing your special cologne," Mabel waggled her brows. "You're trying to impress _someone_."

Dipper felt his face flush, "Am not," he argued and walked towards the crumpled towel he left on the floor. "I wore this last night."

He started to fold the towel and Mabel sat on his bed. "Yes but you've never worn it twice in a row," she pointed out looking too smug for Dipper's liking. "My match making skills have been there since birth and have never been wrong Dip!"  
  
"We only just met yesterday!" Dipper exclaimed and put the towel in the bathroom. "Oh he's coming with us, just so you should know."

Mabel squealed, "I guessed, there's a very lost and good looking man in reception who may or may not be wearing a wedding ring." Dipper instinctively reached for his own, "I may or may have not talked to him."

"Mabel!"

"What?" She asked innocently. "He thought my face looked familiar and you told him you had a twin sister, voila! Sister-in-law finally meets the new husband."

She looked too proud for Dipper's liking. "Where's Paz anyway?" He decided to leave his jacket in the room and shoved his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans.

"She's downstairs with the rest of the group, waiting with _Bill_." Mabel purposefully dragged his name out and Dipper unplugged his phone from the charger.

"Let's go then," he grumbled quickly brushing a hand through his hair.

Mabel giddily clapped before jumping up and leave with Dipper.

He found Bill charming Pacifica and her friends, Dipper wasn't surprised. He looked a lot more casual wearing a black that stretched comfortably when he moved, especially across his broad shoulders. "There they are," Pacifica was wearing a crown and a sash across her red dress. "Come to upstage my hen do Dipper?"

"I skipped the stag do and went straight for the wedding Paz," Dipper dead panned and Pacifica playfully rolled her eyes. "Hi Bill."

"Hiya Dipper," Bill gave him a lopsided smile before wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Bill's free arm carried a jacket. "Lead the way then, Pacifica."

"You know for strangers they sure act married," Pacifica linked arms with Mabel who giggled as they walked out of the hotel.

The floor of the strip club was sticky and it was humid, it was dark apart from the stage which had lights shining on a shimmery male dancer erotically gyrating his hips. The girls were skittish as they approached the stage and took seats near the front. Dipper suddenly regretted joining and dragging Bill into this.

Dipper sat behind the girls and the male dancer took notice of Pacifica especially since all the girls were pointing at her and it's not like the crown and sash were something to go by. "Want a drink?" Bill asked, uncharacteristically prodding Dipper's shoulder.

"No thanks," Dipper waved his hand flippantly. "My liver needs time to heal."

Bill laughed, "Sure thing, I'm just going to the bar to quickly get a margarita." He stood up. "Just a small one so I won't get married again."

Dipper playfully elbowed him in the thigh as he walked off. "Dipper!" Mabel shouted. "Come sit here!"

Dipper shook his head firmly, "No thanks." He repeated but that only encouraged another dancer to notice him.

There was whooping and oh, Dipper's receiving a lap dance. He felt the heat radiate from his face as the dancer (dressed in what only Dipper could describe as the tiniest gold speedos in the world) grinding on him. It was slow at first, the way the dancer's hips swivelled in a controlled motion before building up to match the tempo of the music. Dipper quickly shoved whatever he could find in the pocket could reach –he thinks he gave away $10- and the dancer slowed down and leaned over so they were face-to-face. He had a pretty face, green eyes, dark hair and an out of place smile that looked too soft on him. "Thanks babe." He pecked him on the cheek before Dipper could curl into a ball of embarrassment.

Mabel was stuck switching between screeching and laughing, she'd recorded the whole thing. Dipper wished he'd taken up that offer on the drink as the dancer slinked away and entertained other customers. Bill came back with a margarita in his hand, "Nice to see you get involved." He joked and sunk back into his seat. "I could see how red you were from across the room."

Dipper rolled his eyes and rubbed his cheeks hoping the redness would go away. "It would've been nicer if I was drunk."

Bill vaguely nodded in agreement and quietly drunk his margarita, his ring accidentally clinking with the glass. Dipper counted another two and half margaritas going to Bill's direction in the span of half an hour and he was getting bored. He leaned over to Mabel's seat, "Is it okay if I leave early?"

Mabel shrugged her shoulders and her smile was a bit wobbly because she was drunk. "Just as long as you're alive when we get back to the hotel, you've already been served anyway." She waggled her eyebrows.

Dipper turned to Bill, "Wanna get out of here?"

-

Bill was slightly tipsy but still coherent enough to wrap a secure arm around Dipper's shoulders, this was quickly turning into a theme. "Where you taking me Pinetree?"

"On an adventure," replied Dipper flatly. "I'm going to find us a nice food stand that won't give us food poisoning."

They quickly stopped for kebabs and Dipper had to prevent Bill from giving his debit card away as the alcohol started to sink in a little. "You're the nicest stranger I've ever married," Bill hiccuped. "I'm glad I accidentally married you." He sounded genuine despite the small slur of his words.

Dipper scoffed and found himself under Bill's arm again, they were heading back to the hotel. "I hope I'm the only stranger you've ever accidentally married."

"Yes you are," Bill took his free arm and patted Dipper's cheek patronisingly. His hand felt hot and Dipper had to stop himself from leaning into his touch."You're cold."

"My skin feels cold." Dipper retorted but Bill was taking his crumpled jumper and draping it over his shoulders. His cologne smelled expensive but Dipper couldn't complain, he smelled inviting. "Um thanks?"

"Don't mention it Palmtree," Bill grinned.

"You are not drunk!" exclaimed Dipper who jabbed him in the chest with his index finger. "Only a sober person can smile like that."

Bill shoved his face close to Dipper's, "Like this?" Then abruptly burped.

Dipper pushed him off with a snort. "That's so gross, how old are you?"

"Thirty-two!"

Dipper froze, "Bill, I'm serious, how old are you?" He stopped walking.

Bill looked over his shoulder, a similar sight to how he found him earlier that morning. "Thirty-one."

"Bill." Dipper reprimanded. "I'm never going to live down the day I accidentally married a stranger a decade older than me!"

"Thirty." He was slowly swaying his way back towards Dipper. "Twenty-nine."

Dipper felt his eyes widen, this countdown sounded sinister. "Twenty-six, twenty-five..."

"Bill!" Dipper was trying to be serious but Bill was circling him playfully and singing the countdown. "Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen.." Hiccup. "Sixteen! Fifteen–"

"-i'm going to leave you in the middle of this street if you don't stop messing around Bill."

"Eleven, ten, nine, eight–"

Dipper wondered how drunk he'd become to marry Bill if he at this state when they eloped. He could see Bill was becoming dizzy and then suddenly faced Dipper with an intense focus. He placed both of his hands on Dipper's shoulders who was looking up at him confused. " _Three_ ..."

It was warm, Dipper flexed his fingers feeling the heat return to them but kept them firm by his sides.

" _Two_..."

Bill's knitted brows relaxed and he sighed. Dipper could see that familiar glint again.

"I'm twenty-three." Bill answered pulling away and resumed to walking. Dipper snapped out of his trance and caught up with him, his cheeks felt hot again. "I'm turning twenty-four in October."

"Are you always that intense when you're drunk?"

Bill gently kicked a pebble with some precision on the curb, "You asked me the same question when we met at the club."

"I'm not surprised." Then Dipper added, "I'm twenty-two, turning twenty-three this August."

"Not so bad then."

The conversation fell flat after that, they arrived at the front doors of the hotel Dipper was staying at. "Adios kid," Bill hiccuped.

"Wait Bill," said Dipper firmly grabbing his left arm. "I can't let you drive."

"I'll walk Pinetree," Bill replied stubbornly. "I've got these legs for walking."

Dipper shifted his weight from his left foot to his right, "...stay? Just for the night, I don't want to be responsible if you get injured."

"If you say so." Bill had that easy smile back on his face.

Dipper hauled him into the elevator and into his room which unfortunately only had one single bed. He offered Bill pyjamas because jeans were uncomfortable to sleep in, Bill answered by slipping out of his jeans and his shirt and falling into bed.

Dipper rolled his eyes, turned the lamp on and switched the main lights off. He quietly brushed his teeth and changed into a big white shirt and shorts. He also folded Bill's clothes alongside the jacket he had lent Dipper and placed them on the desk. Now he was stood at the foot of the bed contemplating whether or not to lie in bed with Bill or go to Pacifica's and Mabel's room.

Bill cracked open one eye, "Come join the party." His voice was deeper than usual, laced with sleep. "Look I'll fall asleep first so it won't be as awkward, goodnight Pinetree."

Dipper shook his head, ' _OK OK OK you only have this opportunity once in Vegas and you paid for this goddang bed so you'll sleep in it_.' He slipped under the blanket before he could talk himself out of it.

Dipper found himself drifting off fast but not fast enough. He felt Bill wrap an easy arm around his waist and it made it, well, easier. It helped him from falling off the tiny bed. "Bill?" He whispered trying to settle how hard his heart was beating. This was new.

His response was an angry grunt so Dipper willed himself to calm down and fell asleep to the gentle rhythm of Bill's breathing and his inviting scent.


	3. gone backwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Accidental marriages are all fun and games until somebody...

It was hot, Dipper knew that but couldn't quite feel it. There was a familiar unknown song fading into the background that he was trying to grasp but couldn't. He was getting into a taxi and suddenly he was kissing someone. The taxi seemed to elongate as a cool tongue slipped into his mouth and he couldn't help the feverish way he kissed back. He was pressed up against the window with his hands tangled in someone's hair. Suddenly Dipper's hand was tugged and placed elsewhere, he felt a hot rush plummet straight into the pit of his belly. This someone braced their knee in between Dipper's legs and he shamelessly grinded down on them. He couldn't help the way he keened into their mouth feeling desperate to be touched. He suddenly shot a look towards the driver but the taxi was too long, morphing into a limo and the someone grabbed his chin with a hot hand and whispered, "He can't hear us."

Dipper woke up after Bill this time round and not hungover. He felt his heart pound nauseatingly heavy against his chest and he was definitely hard. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he could sense there was no one behind him but a slightly warm patch of bed if you pressed hard enough into it. He rolled onto his back and tried not to feel disappointed.

He went to the bathroom and splashed his face with water swallowing down the lump in his throat. It was stupid, what was he expecting?

Dipper dried his face and checked his phone, his sister sent him the video of last night and he decided to skip the embarrassment and save it for later. He needed to take care of something else, it was an intense dream for someone he'd only met a day ago but he couldn't drive it out of his head. There was a small knock at the door.

"Hello?" Dipper called out precariously sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Uh it's Bill." Dipper suddenly had to think of anything but Bill. Cat vomit. Grandmas without dentures. Spiders. Grunkle Stan in the shower. "I went and got you breakfast as a thank you."

"Uh, coming," replied Dipper feeling a blush spread on his face reaching his ears. He tensed all his leg muscles on the way to the door and it helped take the edge off. He opened the door and Bill was stood there wearing sunglasses, a pale yellow linen shirt rolled up at the sleeves that seemed to bring out the tan on his skin. It should be illegal for someone to look this good, he tensed his leg again.

"You're up early for someone who couldn't legally drive last night." Dipper crossed his arms and moved out of the doorway to let him in.

Bill set the bags down on the desk, "Had a lot on my mind." He mumbled and started to disassemble the bags into two piles.

Dipper cocked a brow and let his arms drop. "You wanna talk about it?"

Bill shot back "It's fine." too quickly and set down his glasses, he looked tired. Bill's puffy eyes looked out of place and his tan was compensating for the lack of glow that came naturally to him, but Dipper quickly dismissed that thought and shoved it into the back of his head to ponder about later. He suddenly feels guilty for having a wet dream.

"Hey Bill," his voice rose a pitch too high with uncertainty. "We're going to leave soon, our flight is on the evening of the first of August."

"That's fine," Bill said slipping back into his usual cool demeanour. He was leaning back on the desk sipping on iced tea. "That's in what? Two days?" He turned his wrist so he could look at his watch, Dipper briefly thinks that it would cost him two month's wages and not what it would look like planted into a pillow next to his head because– he walked over to the breakfast.

"Thank you." Dipper said with a smile and Bill shot him one of his softer ones back. "You sure do act like a husband."

Bill breathed out a laugh, "Got to give hundred percent in everything or none at all."

"That's my motto when it comes to binge watching TV shows." Bill laughed harder and Dipper felt pride flutter in his chest. "Come sit down, we're not standing and eating breakfast."

They ate breakfast in a comfortable silence that settled over them until someone knocked on the door. "Dipper? You awake bro?" Mabel rasped. "Don't make me shout! I'm already losing my voice."

Dipper got up and opened the door, "Mabes we're not going out until later."

"Just wanted to check up on my favourite brother, ya know see if you're still alive and if Bill didn't leave you dumped in a ditch," Mabel barely made it through her sentence and rubbed her throat. "I got too excited at the strip club."

"I can tell," Dipper added dryly, Bill snorted behind him.

Mabel's eyebrows shot up, "Who did you take back to your hotel room?" She was smirking. "I bet it was that dancer, I got his name by the way, he's called Seb. I wouldn't be surprised if he was 'cause you have this unnatural charm for luring boys into hotel rooms."

"I do not!" Dipper exclaimed. "It's only Bill." He moved out of the way to reveal Bill sitting on the bed who gave a little wave.

Mabel started grinning, "Are you sure you guys got married _accidentally_?" She air quoted.

"It's not my fault I didn't want him to die," huffed Dipper. "What did you want to tell me anyway?"

"Paz is taking us out for lunch, I'll tell her to add an extra seat." She winked.

"What? Mabel!" Dipper hissed and moved closer to her in an effort to keep their conversation quiet. He had gently moved them into the hallway, Dipper kept one hand on the door to keep it from shutting. "You do realise this isn't serious?"

"Well, did he sleep over?"

"...yes–"

"–exactly proves my point–"

"–it's because he drunk too many margaritas last night! I couldn't let him drive or walk back to his hotel, you would've done the same," Dipper huffed and resisted the urge to stomp his foot.

Mabel giggled, "You've got a single bed Dipper, how'd he sleep over?"

The question caught Dipper off guard who quickly turned into an alarming colour of red. "He fell asleep first so it wasn't awkward."

"Hmph," Mabel bit her lip in thought. "Lunch is at twelve, I'll tell Paz to book an extra seat just in case! See you then bro-bro." She sauntered off and Dipper strolled back into the room.

Bill was facing away from him and bent slightly forward with his ear pressed to his phone. "I'll be in Nevada until the tenth, that should give the company plenty of time." Bill's voice had a different vehemence to it, sharp and authorative. "I want drafts in _no sooner_ than nine am this upcoming Tuesday. If you encounter any problems email Will, and if he doesn't reply forward it to me instead, got it? I look forward to it, goodbye."

Bill ran a hand through his hair tugging at it, Dipper could sense he was slightly stressed. "Uh," Dipper began not knowing how to approach the situation. "Work?"

"Yeah," replied Bill with an exasperated laugh and was still facing the opposite direction, "this was meant to be my week off, clearly not."

"Well you can have your week off down at the Hamptons for lunch?" Dipper suggested alongside a hesitant smile. "Mabel told me I could bring a plus one."

Bill looked over his shoulder before turning around completely, "I don't want to crash on your hen do, I've already stayed around long enough but thank you for the offer."

Dipper was quiet as Bill started to collect the empty take away boxes from their breakfast and shoved it into a makeshift bin using the plastic bags. Bill was right, how long were they going to drag this out? "Dipper," His head snapped up and Bill was too close. Dipper felt like if he were to breathe in, he would inhale Bill's scent, the way he cornered him into the door had Dipper feeling dizzy. He leant over and Dipper felt his heart thump. "Don't be a stranger, kid." He pressed a piece of paper into Dipper's open palm and a fleeting kiss on his cheek.

The door shut before Dipper could say goodbye.

-

"So ... Your stranger husband left you," Pacifica lifted a brow, "but you're still legally married."

The Hamptons was a posh restaurant, Dipper didn't really expect anything less from Pacifica. The high ceiling was decorated with gold chandeliers which she grimaced at because the ceiling was off-white and it didn't match. All the tables were covered in a white cloth that Dipper was convinced was made out of silk, in the middle of the table was a small embellishment of either candles or flowers. It looked like she'd booked the whole room since no one else was in, apart from their table. It was nauseating but Pacifica thrived in her element, she knew exactly which fork and knife to use out of the eight set in front of them and Dipper just followed suit. He couldn't touch his glass of water without a waiter stepping in and refilling it.

"Well," Dipper shrugged. "He gave me his number so I think we're going to talk through it. His work caught up on him so we didn't have time to."

Pacifica crossed her hands under her chin being careful to avoid denting her face with her engagement ring, "Hmm, where does he work?"

Dipper shrugged again and played with the lettuce leaf on his plate by scraping it around. "He didn't really tell me, it was a business thing? Company? It sounded really important, things about sending drafts to him and all that."

"Did anyone ever tell you to not play with your food?" Pacifica scolded and slapped Dipper's wrist who promptly dropped his fork. "Anyway, when are you going to get divorced? You're stilling wearing that precious ring."

Dipper felt his face turn red, "Didn't really have time to take it off."

Pacifica smirked in a way that looked too familiar to Mabel's and squinted her eyes, "Sure Dipper."

"Why does no one believe me?!"

Mabel butted in, "Because you invited him to sleep with you, Dipdop." Dipper decided that sitting between Pacifica and Mabel was a terrible idea.

Pacifica gasped, "Scandalous."

"He fell asleep first so it wasn't awkward," Dipper grumbled and resisted the urge to play with the lettuce leaf again. He needed to fidget with something so his hand dropped to his ring.

"He could've murdered you in your sleep," Pacifica added who unfolded her hands. "Lemme see your ring."

"No, why?" protested Dipper who hid his hand. "You're just going to tell me how much it costs and tut your tongue."

Pacifica scoffed, "Maybe but I wanna see."

She grabbed his hand brought it to her face, "Hmm traditional, just a gold band." She twisted Dipper's wrist despite warranting a cry from him. "Do you have anything on the inside?"

"Inside?" Dipper retracted his hand.

"Yes, some couples get it engraved."

"I doubt it, we were too drunk." Dipper hesitantly twisted the ring off his finger and inspected it. "Proved my point, blankity blank blank."

He held onto the ring between his forefinger and thumb for a beat too long. "Are you going to wear it or not?" taunted Pacifica.

Dipper answered by sliding it back on his ring finger. "Maybe."

Mabel dragged Dipper out of the Hamptons before he could leave a tip, she saw the bill and didn't want him to leave his wallet behind. "I would've only paid twenty percent for my meal," he pressed and Mabel carried on walking. "Where are we going?"

"Just around the city, like tourists," she was grinning. "Don't pull that face Dipdop it'll be fun."

Dipper didn't even realise the crease formed by his eyebrows, "Do you mean shopping?"

Pacifica slinked between the twins and linked arms with Mabel. "You're exactly right Dipper! Just before we go out and you need new clothes anyway, you wear the same dress shirt everytime we go out."

"It's not my fault I only have one because formal events aren't a thing I go to every other week," argued Dipper despite Pacifica slotting their arms together as well. "Besides I probably won't need it again after this trip."

"My wedding?" Pacifica added patronisingly.

"I'm getting a suit for that."

-

Dipper didn't want to confess shopping was fun, he liked getting new clothes, it was just the whole spending aspect of it. Pacifica had shoved three new dress shirts in his basket and everytime he tried to return them, Mabel would just place them back. In the end Pacifica bought them despite his protest.

"I'm not going to use them out of spite," Dipper crossed his arms with some difficulty because a shopping bag was hanging off the crook of his right elbow. They were outside the mall waiting for Pacifica's limo to pick them up and the rest of the group kept mainly to themselves.

"You never know," Pacifica was carrying handfuls of bags without struggle, "you might go on a date with your husband, every couple needs a date night now and then."

Dipper was reeled back to their aquarium date and it made his heart twinge in a funny way. He dropped his arms, "We're getting a divorce anyway, I can't spend my life married to a stranger."

"You still call him a stranger? One that slept in your bed?" Pacifica quipped.

Dipper let out a noise of frustration, "I don't know? He's not a friend but he's not yet an acquaintance but he's not a stranger?"

"Soulmate?" added Mabel and bumped shoulders with him. "Never seen you click with someone so fast, you left the strip club to spend time with him!"

"That's because I got grinded on and it was boring."

"Someone's defensive," Pacifica teasingly sang. "You should come to the club with us tonight."

Dipper blew air out of his mouth sharply, "Don't really feel like getting drunk and married again." He looked down at his hand, the ring was glinting in the sunlight.

"You look disgustingly besotted," before Dipper could protest Pacifica interrupted with a "defensive!"

"I doubt I'll see him again, he sounded so business-y on the phone." Dipper sighed. "Never really thought I'd get stuck in a situation like this."

"Especially on my hen do."

"It's not like I planned it," Pacifica pulled a look of disbelief on her face.

"Do you think he did though?" asked Pacifica who was suddenly smiling quite smugly.

"How?" Dipper was skeptical. "C'mon who plans a drunken wedding in Vegas with a str–"

"No stupid, _look_." Pacifica grabbed Dipper's chin and twisted it round. Bill was on the other side of the road wearing a suit accompanied by an older man. "Too bad our limo's nearly here."

Dipper simmered the feeling of wanting to talk to Bill, he looked dishevelled with his tie pulled down slightly and the top button undone. He had rolled his sleeves up and hung his blazer on the crook of his elbow, Dipper could almost imagine him leaving a meeting and pulling his tie down. "Bro stop drooling and talk to him," Mabel jabbed.

"He's busy," Dipper turned his gaze to the other man. He was older if the streaks of grey in his hair was anything to go by, his sharp jawline softened with age but his suit made him look younger from what Dipper could see anyway, and it was definitely tailored. "He's probably making a deal with that businessman."

"Dipper staring at him across the road won't make him notice you," Pacifica stated dryly. "Maybe you should flash him in the eye with your wedding ring."

Mabel added, "Or just flash him."

Dipper saw Bill's head tilt an angle too big for it to be addressed towards the other man, this wasn't missed by the girls. "Apparently staring works," Pacifica awed. "Pines you're lucky my limo is late, it's giving you a chance to say goodbye to your husband."

"I can't just strut up there and talk to him! He's talking to that businessman, it'd be rude if I interrupted." He started to twist his ring.

"Uh oh, Bill looks angry," Mabel observed. "He looks scary, but hot– scarily hot." Dipper agreed internally, and suppressed the blush he could feel forming from looking at the way Bill's jaw clenched.

The businessman looked calm despite how displeased Bill looked. "I think we should all stop staring," Dipper suggested and the limo pulled up. He sighed and pushed away the feeling of regret for not ballsing up and talking to Bill. He had his number anyway.

They reached the hotel and Pacifica had changed plans to go to a casino instead of clubbing, Dipper decided he was just going to watch.

He stood behind Mabel who was unsurprisingly winning blackjack (one of Grunkle Stan's infamous con lessons) and stared at his texts. He saved Bill's number and was on messages staring at the little line blink at him expectantly, waiting for a text to be typed. What was he going to say? He couldn't exactly just start talking to Bill out of the blue, but he did say 'don't be a stranger' and maybe that suggested to keep in touch? Dipper thought he was thinking too much and maybe he needed a drink or a few.

"This is unfair," Pacifica complained walking towards to where Dipper and Mabel were. "I'm losing more than winning, and I hate losing."

Dipper laughed, "Grunkle Stan gave us an upper hand."

"Whatever, I'm going to try the slot machines." She stroppily walked off.

"Excuse me." A deep buttery voice had asked behind Dipper.

He slowly turned and found himself looking up into a pair of aged green eyes, still sharp and exuberant. "Yes?" Dipper queried, the man looked familiar but he couldn't quite place it. There was something about the similarity that made Dipper feel weird.

"Are you Mason Pines?" The man interrogated, he was wearing a suit and Dipper's mind started to reel. What if he's in the FBI? CIA? Did one of Grunkle Stan's plots go this bad?

"Uh ... yes?" Dipper meant for his answer to be a statement but his anxiousness produced it into more of a question.

The man smiled warmly and Dipper felt a twinge in his chest, why did it look so familiar? "Congratulations," the man stuck a hand out and Dipper accepted the firm handshake, "I'm extremely pleased to have met my son-in-law."

Dipper's eyes widened and he tried not to lose his grip on the handshake. "What?" He spluttered.

The man chuckled and dropped his hand. "I apologise for the informality of my greeting," he cleared his throat, "I'm William Cipher Senior, you married my son."

The similarities between Bill's and William's faces merged, no wonder why Dipper thought he looked uncanny. "Ah right, about t-that," stuttered Dipper and tried to stop his voice from going into a squeak. "He told you?"

William laughed and Dipper felt goosebumps prickle his arm, it sounded as if Bill was in William's throat. "I found out to my son's dismay, throwing his name around town on a marriage certificate isn't ideal for the company," he frowned but quickly replaced it with a businessman smile. "Welcome to the family Mason."

"Um, I'm pleased," Dipper felt his body heating up and his palms were sticky, how was he going to lie through this? "It was unexpected."

"It sure was for me," William sighed and looked a little hurt, "I can't believe how well he hid your relationship– I'm not surprised that he did, considering how big the company is."

Dipper cocked an eyebrow, "The company...?"

William jumped, "It's nothing personal, but you know what people are like, some aren't very _progressive_."

 _Oh_. "Oh," Dipper let it slip out of his mouth. "Well, not many people knew it was um," he chewed on his bottom lip, "a small reception so you have nothing to worry about, sir."

William laughed Bill's laugh again, "No need for formalities, I'm your father-in-law now, call me William."

"Oh, okay William." Dipper tried not to cringe, he knew Bill didn't like being called his father's name but he didn't know why. He felt as if he were trespassing an unspoken boundary. "Whew, I didn't really expect this was how Bill was going to break the news to you but uh, yeah."

Dipper was spiralling down an awkward hole but William kept the businessman smile on his face. "Frankly I'm a little disappointed but I can't wait until he introduces you to the rest of our family, my wife would love you."

"Uh," started Dipper but was cut off by Mabel arriving at his side.

"Who's this?" she asked bluntly holding her winnings close to her chest.

"Meet Bill's dad, William, my father-in-law," Dipper smiled introducing them to eachother. "William this is my twin sister, Mabel."

"Oh," Mabel's face faltered before she plastered her winning grin on it again. "Nice to meet you! It's a pleasure to welcome your son into the Pines family."

Dipper tried not to announce his sigh of relief too loudly, Mabel could talk away for days and he was thankful for that. He needed to compose himself, he quickly shot a look at his phone with impossible hope that Bill had texted (he hadn't) to save him from being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"It was lovely finally meeting you," William declared, "I'm afraid I have to go but I hope to see you again soon."

Dipper smiled in response as William walked away. "What was that about?!" Mabel hissed and dragged Dipper to the side, away from the main tables.

"I don't know! He walked up to me and told me he was Bill's dad and told me congratulations," Dipper ran a hand through his hair and untangled some knots. "He thinks we've been hiding our relationship."

"How'd he find out?" Mabel was leaning on one hip.

"Bill and his dad share the same name, apparently it got reported back to him when we got married."

"Or someone ratted you out at the wedding," added Mabel. "How'd he find you here?"

"I don't know, he's rich and rich people have control," Dipper's head was still reeling. "Also maybe because this casino is in our hotel."

"Do you think Bill knows his dad talked to you?"

"I'll text him." Dipper fished his phone out. "I probably shouldn't say this but since you're my favourite sister–"

"–your only sister."

Dipper snorted, "I know, but I don't think their relationship is that good Mabes." He became quiet. "I think he was the business man Bill was pissed off with earlier today."

' _Hey Bill it's Dipper, I dont know how else to say this but I met your dad and he thinks we got married on purpose, what do we do??'_

"Add a kiss," Mabel was peering over his shoulder. "It'll soften the blow."

_'Hey Bill it's Dipper, I dont know how else to say this but I met your dad and he thinks we got married on purpose, what do we do??x'_

He sent it before he could think of backing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual plot? Tbh idk how long I could've dragged out stranger husband fluff w/o it getting into creepy territory. 
> 
> Also should I update the next chapter on Wednesday? Chapter 3 and 4 were meant to be one chapter but I split it up for convenience, hope you enjoyed!✨


	4. father of mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out more about lil William Cipher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself 'keep it in one POV!!!!' And then did this:)) sorry it's a bit shorter than usual but you've got Monday to look forward to;))
> 
> Enjoy x

To say Bill was pissed, was an understatement. He felt the red hot fury build in his chest, _how fucking dare he?_ He had just stepped out of a successful meeting albeit how strenuous it was, Bill felt accomplished with himself.

Waiting for him on the other side of the door was his father, a man he hadn't talked to for a long time. "Hello William," his dad greeted. "It's been a while."

Bill looked at him in shock, he had aged since the last time he saw him properly. His smile lines had deepened alongside the crow's feet by his eyes, it almost made Bill feel pitiful for lost time. Almost. "A while?" Bill repeated and tried to tone down the venom in his voice. "Nearly a whole decade."

"William," his dad took a step towards him and Bill resisted the urge to walk back. He was standing his ground. "I've already apologised."

"It's Bill," he spat. "I know, and I've not accepted."

"Now William," his dad's voice became stern, "you're acting like a child."

Bill took a sharp intake of breath before letting it out softly. "Why are you here?"

His dad reached into his inside blazer pocket and took out a folded piece of paper. "I don't think you intended for this to happen," Bill's knuckles tensed. "Unfortunately since we share the same name it was reported to me," his dad unfolded the paper, "when were you going to tell me you got married?"

Bill felt the colour drain from his face, but quickly replaced it with a fierce expression. "When I wanted to, that's if I were to ever want to tell you."

His father pursed his lips into a thin line. "I don't have a problem with it." He was trying. "This Mason boy, when did you meet?"

Bill sighed, his suit felt suffocating and he tugged on his tie. "A while ago," he mumbled. "We met at a club and hit it off."

His dad smiled at him and Bill tried not to read into it too much. "So when am I going to meet him?"

"Never." snapped Bill who undid the top button of his work shirt and started to walk towards the stairs. His dad followed him suit.

"He's part of the Cipher family now, he needs to be introduced." His dad demanded as they made their way downstairs. "You can't hide him away forever William."

"Watch me," Bill challenged and left the building with long strides, his dad was hot on his heels.

"William," his dad grabbed his shoulder and Bill shrugged him off. "Will you please stop throwing tantrums?"

"Why is it important to you anyway? It's not like you were interested in my life in the first place," Bill snarled and walked towards the direction of the city hoping to lose his father in the crowds.

He heard his dad let out a noise of frustration, "It's going to affect your inheritance."

Bill scowled, "You threaten that everytime and it doesn't work. My job is more than enough to sustain my life, it's not always about money."

He took off his blazer, Nevada was hot and humid and getting angry wasn't helping. He started to roll his sleeves embracing the cool air that washed over his exposed skin. "We need to talk, are you going to settle now? Kid, you're only just starting out."

"I will settle when I want to." Bill could feel his body radiate and his fingertips tremble. How fucking dare he.

"What about the future, huh? Having a job in the company is tough, you can't settle down too early." Bill felt his jaw clench and shoved the urge to punch his dad deep down until he could no longer feel it. He spun around on his heel to face his dad. "What's going to happen when your," his dad cleared his throat, "husband wants a family? Are you going to have time for that?"

"Plenty," Bill seethed through a tight lipped smile. "I don't understand the necessity for this, I got married and that shouldn't be any of your business."

His dad rolled his shoulders and let out a sigh. "Your boy, Mason, is going to be a part of our family and I believe there's some necessity in that."

Bill clenched his jaw again. "I'll introduce him to our family when we want to, he's my husband not yours."

As if on cue in the corner of Bill's eye he spotted a group that looked too familiar and a mop of curly brown hair. "William our family name is big, what's going to happen when he signs something under our name? We need to set some rules." His dad negotiated.

"He's not some pet," Bill shot a quick glance at Dipper who was gazing back at his direction with his big brown doe eyes ' _shit why does he look cute, he has to stop looking like that_ '. "He can sign whatever he wants under our name."

His dad took a wary step towards him, "You don't understand the consequences William, I'm not surprised, you haven't grown the last time I saw you."

It struck a nerve. Somewhere deep inside Bill felt something raw tear. His eyes stung bitterly and he grinded his teeth together in an effort to not cry. He was determined not to, especially in front of his dad. "I have another meeting to attend," Bill's declaration sliced through the tension. "We will talk about this later."

He walked away and turned to look across the street but Dipper was no longer there.

-

"C'mon kid, what did I miss out for you to not text me?" Bill muttered to himself and stared at his blank phone. It would be another twenty minutes before his last meeting would commence and he needed time to kill.

He had ramped up his charm around Dipper but he didn't realise it would end in marriage. When he first saw him at the club under those lights he was immediately enthralled. Bill felt something pull him towards the kid, not like it mattered, they were going to 'divorce' and go their separate ways. It was a one in a lifetime chance for Dipper to celebrate the hen do in Las Vegas the same time Bill had come over.

Bill rubbed a hand over his face. He couldn't get Dipper out his head, even though the night they got wed was hazy he remembers the first parts vividly.

He was at the bar with his friend Veronica, they both worked at the company, and Dipper had entered with the group. Bill caught him in the corner of his eye wearing a blue shirt that was a bit too formal but in fairness all Bill did was wear one of his button up shirts.

Throughout the night Bill kept sneaking glances towards him before Veronica said, "C'mon go talk to him. You're the most oblivious person I've ever met."

Bill let out a sigh, he can't remember the last time he approached someone at the club. "Excuse me while I charm up," he joked as he sauntered over to where Dipper was idly dancing by himself. Bill thought he needed to loosen up.

Purposefully lowering his voice, Bill greeted, "Hey, never seen you round here before."

The boy turned around and oh, he was prettier than Bill had imagined. Even under the flashing lights of the club he could see the blotchy flush forming on the boy's cheeks. "My first time here actually," the boy answered looking up at him with those beautiful brown eyes.

"Really?" Bill lifted a brow. "I could show you around sometime." He knew it was cheesy but he was a bit tipsy to think of anything else.

The boy laughed, "I'm only here for a week, but I'd gladly come back for you."

The boy's biting confidence surprised Bill, it only drew him closer. He leaned to his ear, "Name's Bill, what's yours?"

The boy's head tilted towards him, "It's Dipper, nice to meet you Bill."

"Wanna dance, Dipper?"

Bill vaguely remembers the drinks and also recounted passing quite a few to Dipper. He remembered that he was holding onto Dipper's hips when that stupid Bruno Mars song came on at the same time that stupid idea arrived in his head.

He recollected laughing, a lot of it before wobbling down onto one knee and proposing. A few people noticed and cheered, Bill guessed it only encouraged Dipper to say yes.

The rest of the night comes back in fragments, getting their marriage license, the pawn shop and then the chapel. Bill remembered holding Dipper's hand, firm and bigger than a girl's. Their hands fit together comfortably, Bill didn't mind at all.

A shuffle at the door interrupted his thoughts, one of the members was a bit early. Bill immediately stood up and greeted the woman, it was drilled into him. The greetings, the handshakes, the smile, watching his dad as he grew up was training. He wanted to be like his dad so he tried, he often asked him what he did and read the paperwork even if it didn't make sense to him. He developed charm, wit, and even his dad highlighted Bill's knack for persuasion. Bill took all of it in his stride.

Halfway through the meeting he felt his phone buzz but idly pushed it aside. It would've most likely been early drafts.

When it had finished he shook hands with all the board members before he slumped into his seat. Bill pondered over the idea of Botox because he smiled so much during these meetings. He took out his phone and felt his heart skip: ' _Hey Bill it's Dipper, I dont know how else to say this but I met your dad and he thinks we got married on purpose, what do we do??x'_

He was glad that Dipper texted him but his mood quickly turned sour. "What the fuck?!" cried Bill and slammed a hand down on the table.

An intern timidly knocked at the door, "Come in." Bill said.

"Uh Mr Cipher, is everything alright?" She asked nervously, shoulders scrunched up.

"Yes, don't worry, sorry if I frightened you," he offered a soft smile.

"O-oh sure, do you need anything Mr Cipher?" She hitched up the glasses on her nose.

"Is there any coffee left?" He asked and she nodded quite frantically.

"Shall I get you a cup?"

"No thank you, I'll grab one on the way out, thanks for asking."

Bill stared at the text on his phone the moment he heard the door click shut. What was he going to do?

He tapped on Dipper's phone number.

-

Bill found himself at the reception of Dipper's hotel for the second night in a row, and searched for any curly haired boys. He tried not to grin too hard when he saw Dipper approaching him, he looked cosy in a jumper and jogging bottoms. "I didn't know it was going to be a sleepover," Bill teased and earned a playful punch from Dipper.

"It's not my fault you called me so late," he grumbled. "I was getting ready for bed."

"It's only nine-thirty Dipper," Bill reminded him.

Dipper started to lead them to his room, "Some people like to sleep early."

"Anyway," Bill stepped into the elevator. "What did my dad say?"

"Oh, about that," Dipper played with a loose curly in front of his left eye. "He just sorta congratulated us? And greeted me and Mabel."

They stepped out and Bill hummed, it irked him that his dad went out and found Dipper but he pressed it down. He wasn't going to show Dipper that. "I'm sorry," he blurted and Dipper stopped at his door. "I didn't expect for him to do that."

Dipper shook his head, "No need to say sorry, it wasn't your fault for the bajillionth time by the way."

They both entered his room and felt the tension rise. "What are we going to do Bill?" Dipper asked quietly and sat on the bed. "I need to leave soon and your dad thinks we're married."

Bill dragged a hand over his face and planted himself next to Dipper. "He knows when we got married, so if we get divorced he's going to think something's up." Bill somewhat gestured his statement with his hands. "With my name on that marriage certificate things spread around, I'm not sure who reported it to my dad but our name is going to get thrown under the bus with something like this."

Dipper flinched, "You want me to play along?"

"You don't have to," Bill said and turned to look at Dipper. He knew the consequences and probably should've done something the moment he was sober and found his shared name on a marriage certificate. Oddly Bill didn't care when he did and found himself pulled towards Dipper. He swallowed thickly. He knew his impulse was bad but Dipper made it worse and there was no way out of it now. "We can do it quietly, and no sooner than tomorrow."

Bill tried his best to not look conflicted, if his damned dad didn't get in the way it wouldn't have created this much hassle. "I can tell my dad I cheated on you," Bill offered and Dipper pulled a look of disbelief, "it'll get him off your back."

"Look Bill," Dipper placed a hand over his. "I don't know what your relationship is like with your dad but I can tell you don't really like it. I don't want you to take the blame, so can we do a deal?"

Bill perked up, "What's the catch?"

"Me," Dipper snorted. "How about we play along for half a year? Six months isn't bad, and you've got this business thing to run so we won't even have to do couple-y things!"

"Are you sure, kid?" Bill asked even though his heart was beating loudly in his chest. "This seems a bit convoluted."

"The least I could do for my husband."

Bill laughed and wrapped an arm around Dipper's shoulders. "Now we have to fabricate our love story, you fell in love with me first okay, kid?"

"Hey," Dipper pushed at Bill's chest. "I'm not so easily won over."

Bill smirked, "Is that a challenge?"

Dipper stared him down momentarily, "C'mon we have to make a story, concentrate Bill."

"I already told him we met at a club," he started. "We can say we did the ceremony here for sentimental reasons."

They discussed the whole night until Bill saw Dipper lean back onto the head board and rub his eyes. "I think that should be enough for now," Bill said gently and Dipper nodded in agreement. "I'll try to see you before you leave. Goodnight Dipper."

Bill stood up but Dipper grabbed his arm, "Wait!" He cried out. "How are going to explain me living in California while you're living in Oregon?"

"There's this thing called a long distance relationship," Bill answered. "We'll figure it out, I'll just get him off our backs don't you worry. Now go to bed, you're well past your bedtime."

"Humph," Dipper grumbled, "it's not my fault a hot dude called me so late to meet up."

Bill tried not to falter as Dipper's snarkiness introduced itself again. "Your fault for answering," he retorted. "You want me to turn off the lights?"

"Yes please!" Bill laughed at Dipper's enthusiasm as he settled underneath the blanket. "Night Bill," Dipper yawned, "I'll see you whenever dude."

Bill turned the lights off and quietly left.

He drove back to his hotel room feeling warmer than usual.


	5. been thinking bout it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marriage shenanigans seem to follow Dipper home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is posted later than I usually do and I'm sorry but at least it's still Monday!
> 
> Also it's my birthday tomorrow;)

Dipper stared up at the ceiling in the dark. He couldn't sleep, what was he getting himself into? His stomach wouldn't stop doing turns so he lay on his side hoping it would go away. He'd only known Bill for two days, albeit the night they got wed was missing. He wasn't impulsive, if anything he was on the opposite end of the spectrum but there was just something about Bill. He wanted to uncover so much about him, it reminded Dipper of his mystery solving days in summer when he visited Gravity Falls.

There was a knock at his door that interrupted his train of thought. Dipper pretended to be asleep, who would come up to his door this late? They knocked again, a little bit more persistent before Mabel's muffled voice came through the door. "Hey Dipdop, you up?"

"Mabel?" Dipper got up and opened the door. Mabel was stood in her pyjamas and an extremely worn out jumper she'd made a couple years prior. "What's wrong?"

"I can't sleep," she answered truthfully and Dipper let her in the room.

Dipper chuckled, "Must be a twin thing, I couldn't sleep as well."

They both lied on the bed facing eachother, they felt twelve again, all they needed was a blanket fort and dodgy lighting work from Mabel. "Why can't you?" She whispered in the darkness.

"Bill," came Dipper's reply a beat later. "He called me after the whole dad debacle and I agreed to play along for a while -- just to get him off our backs."

Mabel hummed in agreement, "How long's a while?"

"Six months."

"Sounds an awful long amount time to play house with a stranger, are you sure about this Dipper?" Mabel patted his cheek.

He smiled against her palm. "Very sure, he hasn't tried to murder me yet and if he does you can expose this huge Cipher scandal and become a bajillionaire."

Mabel laughed but Dipper wasn't convinced. "Why are you up?"

"You know," she became scarily quiet. Dipper didn't like it when Mabel was quiet, it was out of character. "...it's just Paz."

Dipper felt his heart clench, the whole marriage thing was hard enough for Mabel but she had agreed to the hen do as well. This was the reason Dipper agreed to join the hen do in the first place, he was Mabel's closest friend and was a shoulder for her to cry on.

"You don't have to talk about it," murmured Dipper gently and rubbed his hand up and down Mabel's arm. "You can stay the night if you really want to."

Mabel sniffled, "Thanks Dipdop, you're the best brother ever, but she'll think something's wrong if she doesn't find me in the room a-and she's gonna ask w-why and–"

"-Mabel don't upset yourself, I totally understand."

She took in a shuddering breath before calming down. "D'you know what?"

"What?"

"You're my favourite brother." Dipper rolled his eyes even though Mabel couldn't see it. "Anyway, less about me and more about you. What's the plan? I want in."

Dipper scratched the back of his neck, "Well we made up our love story -- hey don't laugh!" Mabel was chortling. "Moving on, we're going to pretend to be a long distance couple for a while, then divorce! Long distance is a strain on a marriage and it'll be very sad and lots of tears but we will part ways mutually." He was exaggerating the whole process in an effort to make Mabel laugh. "It'll also give his company a good name I guess, being somewhat _progressive_."

"This plan sounds stupid, I'm in."

Dipper smiled softly at his sister. "If it fails, it'll be a great story to tell our nieces and nephews. We'll be like Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford with our wacky stories."

The conversation lulled and Dipper finally felt tired enough to go to sleep, talking to Mabel stopped the funny feeling in his stomach and chest. "Hey Dipper," she started carefully and Dipper hummed sleepily to acknowledge her. "Do you think Bill likes you?"

"I hope so," Dipper snorted and rubbed his right eye. "In a good way, enough to convince people we were sober when we got married."

"No I mean ... like _likes_ you." Mabel corrected herself and rubbed her feet together over the sheets.

Dipper shrugged, "I can't say anything's for definite Mabes, he's nice but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see."

They fell back into silence.

-

Dipper didn't see Bill for the next couple of days. He spent the rest of his time partying and enjoying the hen do and tried to shove Bill into the back of his brain.

It was the first day of August already and Bill still hadn't contacted him. Dipper wondered if he had dreamed up the whole conversation or if their stupid plan was even going to be carried out.

He was packing his stuff --their flight would leave in five hours-- and he couldn't manage to kick Bill out of his head. He checked his phone just in case but the messages stayed where they left off.

The journey back home was quiet but Dipper had never felt so relieved to be back to normal. His little apartment was just how he left it and sunk down on his couch. Bill still hadn't texted him and it was driving him up the wall more than he had expected.

It was stupid.

Bill was stupider.

"You're so stupid," Dipper stated bluntly. It was two weeks since the Las Vegas trip and Bill was in the café where Dipper worked.

"Yeesh kid, you really know how to treat your husband," Bill retaliated poorly feigning hurt. "Anyway can I get a double espresso?"

"No." Dipper snorts but tapped it into the till anyway. "Anything else, sir?"

"Sir?" Bill repeated mockingly.

"It's part of my job!"

"Sure kid," Bill winked at him. "I'll take an almond croissant."

Bill paid and Dipper hid the fact that he was happy that Bill turned up. He didn't realise how serious Bill was being when he said "I'll come visit sometime."

"Yo Dipper," one of his colleagues -Ada- nudged him in the side with her elbow as he was filling Bill's order.

"Hmm?" Dipper acknowledged and grabbed a pair of tongs to load a plate with an almond croissant.

"Do you think that's William Cipher?" She murmured eyes darting to the floor.

"Uh," Dipper hesitated as he placed the cup on a saucer and the accompanying teaspoon. "Yeah, why?"

"No way," she awed. "I can't believe he's in the café."

Dipper laughed, "You wanna take his order then?"

She blushed but nodded and Dipper handed her the plates. He wiped down the counter and looked over to where Bill was sat looking surprised at the waitress that definitely was not Dipper.

When Ada returned Dipper got curious. "You have an obsession with him or something?"

"Maybe," she grinned and Dipper felt something funny twinge in his chest. "He's ridiculously hot and rich and in my age range."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "I didn't realise how much of a big shot he was."

"Oh neither did I," Ada fixed the cake display. "But his dad's company apprently skyrocketed when he joined and he's making his way up."

Dipper didn't say anything after that.

Bill didn't leave until Dipper's shift finished which was an hour before closing time. "Don't you think that's a bit stalker-like?" Dipper asked while he undid the top button of his work polo.

"Here I was trying to be romantic and wait for you but all I get is an insult." Dipper thought that Bill gets too dramatic sometimes.

"Why are you in California anyway?"

"To stare at you in an apron obviously."

Dipper snorted and bumped gently into him. "C'mon, have you got a work thing?"

"I've ... come to live with you."

"Bill!" Dipper exclaimed suddenly feeling nauseous and took a step back. "You have got to be kidding me. You're joking, right?"

"It'll make it easier to convince my dad that we're married especially since he dragged my mother into this," Bill gritted out.

Dipper felt anger simmer in his chest. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"It wasn't exactly planned per se."

When Bill said "wasn't exactly planned" what he meant to say was: "I fought with my dad before I left Nevada because he didn't believe how legitimate we were and I declared I never wanted to see his face again so I flew over to where you worked with just the clothes on my back and decided to live with you to prove him wrong."

"What are we going to do?!" Dipper was convinced that if he continued to spend time around Bill he was going to suffer a heart attack soon.

"I'll be at work most of the time anyway," Bill stated wryly. "It's like I'm not even there."

"Bill," Dipper warned. "What happened to long distance?"

Dipper's head was whirring at full speed, if Bill was being serious how were they going to fit in his apartment? Would he ask him to half rent? Would they share the bed? It's not like Bill was bad looking, in fact he was the complete opposite. It would be easier if he was terrible looking Dipper decided.

Bill drew out a long sigh and confessed. "Look Dipper my dad doesn't believe me."

"Are you doing this to prove ... us?" Dipper rolled it off his tongue uncomfortably.

"In a way," Bill's eyes darted to the side. "Honestly I can just book a hotel if you prefer."

Dipper intervened at the idea for some compelling reason he couldn't quite muster. "No! It's fine you can live in the tiniest apartment in the world," he joked. Mabel would be squealing at this, the passing thought made him smile. "I don't want you to waste big bucks on a hotel."

"Didn't take you that much convincing then."

Dipper replied by jabbing him in the ribs.

"Ouch, you're actually quite violent Dipper Pines."

His apartment was a short twelve minute walk from the café and was on the third floor of the relatively small building. "Don't judge," Dipper ordered as he took out his keys and unlocked his door. "Wait there."

He quickly stuck his head in, deemed the apartment to not be disastrous and opened the door wider for Bill. "Welcome to the tiniest apartment in the world."

Dipper's little apartment was enough for one person and a half. The living room doubled as the bedroom, and Dipper managed to squeeze a square table into his kitchen to act as a dinner table.

"Looks cosy, kid." Bill stated and all Dipper could think about was how Bill probably owned a mansion and his bathroom was bigger than his flat.

"I'd show you around but," Dipper let out a laugh, "you can see all the rooms from here."

Bill shut the door quietly behind him. "What do you usually do after work?"

"Uh I babysit," Dipper answers suddenly feeling awkward. "Make yourself at home, I'm just going to take a quick shower and I'll make dinner."

Dipper then realised that he had stupidly not thought this out because he didn't bring clothes to change into with him to the shower. He wrapped the towel tight around his hips before darting across the living room where Bill was sitting on the couch.

"You're blocking the TV," Bill teased as Dipper looked through his closet.

"I'll be out of the way of _my_ TV in a sec," Dipper retorted. Fat drops of water were dripping from his hair and down his back uncomfortably. He could feel his hair curling at the nape of his neck.

"No need, I like the look of this." Bill shot him a wink and Dipper flipped him off as he walked back to the shower to get changed.

Dipper returned and made his way to the kitchen to make dinner. He usually had simple meals because he lived by himself and didn't know many lavish recipes. "I'm making omelettes, any complaints?" He started to shuffle around the kitchen bringing out a bowl and a pan.

"Can mine have cheese?" Bill perked up and turned to look at Dipper who cracked an egg open with one hand. "Where'd you learn to do that, kid?"

"What, this?" Dipper emphasised the point by cracking another egg expertly and Bill nodded in response. "Just picked it up from my mom."

"Teach me!"

Nearly three whole cartons of eggs later Bill finally managed to crack the egg in one hand successfully. "Great now we're going to have to live on eggs for the next week," Dipper deadpanned and threw the empty carton away.

Suddenly Dipper's phone rung and he checked it to see that his mom was calling him via FaceTime. "Hi mom," he greeted and waved through the phone. He shuffled around the table and sat under a light to illuminate his face better. Bill was busy cooking cheesy omelettes.

"Hi sweetheart," she replied with her face a little too close to the screen. Her forehead was littered with stray lines, deeper ones between her brows and the crow's feet by her eyes were settling in a little more everytime Dipper talked to her. "I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to talk to you!"

Dipper held his phone a little further from his face and settled his arms on the table. "It's fine mom, just been busy with work and," he warily shot a quick glance at Bill, "stuff."

"Stuff, honey?" His mom quirked a brow and brushed a stray curl from her face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine mom, it's not bad stuff, just complicated stuff?" He tried to sound reassuring, but he had always been a terrible liar to his mom.

Her brows pulled together. " _Mason_ ," Dipper raised his shoulders defensively. "What are you hiding from me?"

"Nothing!"

"Ah _fuck_!" Bill abruptly shouted and raced to the sink.

"Bill!" Dipper shouted whipping his head to where the blond was.

"Bill?" His mom asked surprised and her face blew up on the screen as she clutched the phone closer.

"Sorry," Bill whispered while tending his right hand under the tap, his fingers looked red. "I accidentally grabbed the pan."

"You're an idiot."

"Dipper Pines." His mom stated sternly. "Who's Bill?"

"My roommate," he answered and offered his best Momma's boy smile. "It was a bit complicated because we were sorting out apartment things."

"Let me see him," her tone sounded too much like Mabel's.

Dipper sighed, flipped the camera and pointed his phone towards Bill. "Hi Mrs Pines," he waved with his good hand.

Dipper's mom pursed her lips, "Hi Bill, you look familiar, have I seen you before?"

"No." Dipper interrupted. "He probably just looks like the other blond boys in your vicinity."

Bill smirked and Dipper shot him a glare from behind his phone. "Where you from Bill?"

"Mom! Don't interrogate him." Dipper grumbled and Bill laughed.

"From Oregon, Mrs Pines." He answered gleefully playing along.

"How old are you Bill?"

"Twenty-three."

She hummed and Bill winked over at Dipper. "How did you and Dipper meet?"

"At a club."

Dipper complained, "My arm hurts, can _we_ talk now mom?"

"No I wanna hear this," she argued and Dipper's face deflated.

"Bill, are you okay with this?" Dipper tried instead and he's ninety-nine percent sure he saw a glint in his eyes.

"More than okay, Pinetree."

"Great!" Dipper's mom smiled. "Do you have a job?"

"I work at a company," Bill replied and looked down as he tentatively bent his fingers. "Working up to become CEO."

"Oh that's wonderful!" She cooed and Dipper tried not to feel useless. "Also I recommend aloe vera for your hand, sweetheart."

"Thanks, I'll probably need to write that down somewhere." He joked and ran a hand through his hair.

"Our dinner's getting cold!" Dipper reminded him as he stared at the plates on the counter hungrily. "You can talk to Bill again the next time you check up, mom."

His mom tutted and rolled her eyes playfully. "It was nice talking to you Bill, I'll talk to you again the next time."

"Bye Mrs Pines, it was my pleasure." Bill lifted his left arm to wave goodbye.

Wrong move.

"Wait..." His mom's voice intervened before Dipper could pull his phone back. "Are you engaged Bill?"

Dipper quickly flipped the camera back to him. "No! Just a, uh -- sentimental ring? He wears a lot."

" _Mason_." His mom pressed. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

She furrowed her brows. "Mason Alex Pines, do not lie to me."

Dipper was defeated, he could maybe have squirmed his way out with his dad but he could never lie to his mom. "He's married." He blurted out.

"Why would you need to hide that from me?" Her face softened. "That's a wonderful thing, young love and he has a great job! Does that mean his wife lives with you?"

"No mom ..." Dipper looked up at Bill helpless who just nodded encouragingly in reply.

"Oh." She said startled. "I'm sorry if I've offended him, are they in a quarrel?"

"No mom," Dipper repeated, darted his eyes to the side and then lifted his hand to the screen. "I'm the one he's married to. We're married."

His mom squealed and cried for a half hour before Dipper could calm her down and talk her through their fabricated story. By then Bill had set out their plates and kept a bowl of cold water next to him for his burnt hand.

Dipper finally managed to pry her off his case and ended the call.

"You're an idiot." He stated bluntly and started to eat the omelette. "I wasn't going to let them find out, but nope! Not even a month in and my mother thinks I am _married_."

"To a guy who has a great job," Bill recalled his mom's words and grinned.

"A guy who's an idiot, that's who I'm married to."

-

Dipper unfolded the bed and kneeled down to fluff the pillows. Bill wandered back in wearing Dipper's spare clothes. "I'll buy some tomorrow," he declared and placed his folded clothes into the table. "Or get my mom to send some from home."

Dipper looked up and had to stop himself from gaping. His loose shirt was clearly slightly too small for Bill as it stretched over his chest and hugged his shoulders.

Dipper quickly busied himself again by fixing the bed. "For the mean time you can borrow them, I mean we are _married_ and that means we share things." He joked. "Now come here."

Bill sat cross-legged in front of Dipper who had a roll of gauze by his side and his aloe vera plant (the only one that he has managed to keep alive fortunately). He gently took Bill's hand and spread aloe vera it and then tied the gauze over his burn.

"There," Dipper said triumphantly.

"Did you know that you stick your tongue out when you're concentrating, kid?" Bill took his hand back. "It's cute."

Dipper felt his face flush lightly and was glad the only light that illuminated his flat was from the kitchen. "Ada at work told me that when I make lattes."

He cleared up the plant and the gauze before turning off the kitchen light and settling next to Bill.

They both lay in the darkness as the wind softly whooshed outside Dipper's window, he left it slightly open to let the cool air in.

Bill rolled over to face Dipper and propped himself up on his left elbow. "I'll sleep first so it won't be awkward." He joked recalling the night they first shared a bed.

Dipper mirrored him by sitting up and leaning on his right elbow. "Bill..." he whispered.

"Yeah?"

He chickened out.

"Nevermind."

Dipper turned and lay on his side facing the window. "You can't leave it like that," Bill prodded Dipper's side. "C'mon kid, tell me a fascinating fact."

"Doesn't this seem weird to you?" Dipper sat back up again and resumed his position.

"Of course," Bill let out a huff. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Neither am I!" Dipper laughed nervously. "It'll be a story to tell."

They fell into a silence and Bill's features started to become more prominent as Dipper's eyes adjusted to the dark. He could make out his jaw, the slant of his nose and the corner of his eyes that seemed to glow.

"Dipper," Bill said softly and in a tone that had his heart beating stupidly fast. 

"Yeah?" He asked tension suddenly thick with apprehension.

Bill's hand cupped his face tenderly with his bandaged hand but Dipper doesn't move away. "Goodnight."

He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Dipper's lips.

He sunk back into the bed and rolled to his side.

Dipper slid down into the covers with two fingers pressed against his mouth in awe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too early?
> 
> Maybe but
> 
> <3


	6. all I got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill gets ill. 
> 
> Sick marriage shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm extremely sorry at the fact this is a week late!! Like Bill I became ill and school is back and it's the whole uni application thing and it's clogging up my life. 
> 
> Anyway to compensate I'm updating the bfb series this week so keep an eye out!!
> 
> Pls enjoy this chapter✨

It was an innocent little thing but they quickly fell into a routine. Neither mentioned it but Bill would always roll over and kiss him goodnight. Warm and fleeting, and it reminded Dipper a lot of Bill. Warm and fleeting.

Despite being easy going, charming and surprisingly tender at moments Dipper caught Bill off guard, he quickly realised that Bill --albeit all his efforts-- was always moving.

The morning after their first goodnight kiss Bill wasn't in bed and instead of a good morning a note was left on the table telling Dipper that: ' _I had to go to a meeting I'll be back before you know it and I'm buying groceries, don't even think about paying for them - Bill x_ ' and he drew what Dipper translated to be a carton of eggs.

It had been a month since they got married and Dipper didn't really know what sort of relationship purgatory they were in. It was established that they were friends but it was that goddamn routine that had Dipper's mind spinning.

He didn't know what to do, it wasn't like him so he decided to go to the only person he knew him better than himself. And if there was anyone else in the world that would know Dipper better than himself, it would be his sister Mabel.

"Hey Dipdop," she greeted cheerfully on the other line.

Dipper sat at his dining table lazily stirring a cup of coffee and wore his reading glasses. It was one of his rare day offs where he could laze about and do absolutely nothing. Rest his aching legs from running around and standing in the cafe, balancing on the flimsy step ladder while sorting books well after the library had closed.

"Hi Mabel," he gleamed back matching the enthusiasm of his sister. "How's the business doing?"

"Good," she replied and a crackling noise registered briefly. "I'm actually planning a new design, this guy wanted to invest and he told me to surprise him."

"When do you never surprise?" He took the teaspoon and tapped it against the rim to get rid of the excess coffee.

"Oh stop it you," she remarked sarcastically but Dipper knew it was genuine. "Anyway, what's up?"

Dipper sighed, "This is going to sound really weird but me and Bill have this thing."

"Thing?" Mabel's voice pitched with curiosity.

"Yes," Dipper affirmed hesitantly. "The first night he moved in he kissed me goodnight."

"I kiss my friends goodnight all the time."

"On the lips."

"What?!" Mabel choked.

"He started it!" Dipper quickly blamed. "And we've been doing it since? I mean, I don't know, we don't really talk about it."

"Let's get this straight," Mabel stated gathering her thoughts. "You and Bill, fake husband Bill, Bill you accidentally married in Vegas but now can't get rid of Bi--"

Dipper interrupted. "--I get the point."

"Anyway, you kiss eachother goodnight? And don't talk about it? Are you sure you guys aren't in an actual relationship?"

"No," Dipper said firmly and took a sip of his coffee. "We don't talk about it because it doesn't really come up? And his job's hounding him and I'm still pulling extra shifts at the cafe, we don't really have the time."

"It's like you're married," she joked and Dipper traced the rim of his mug. "Sorry to tell you bro-bro but the matchmaker is at a lost."

"That's new." Dipper stopped playing with the mug.

"It's not my fault you guys are so weird, I mean who does that?"

"Apparently Bill!" Dipper hissed and took another gulp of coffee. "This thing's been screwing me over in the head and I don't know why."

Mabel giggled. "Because you like him."

"No I don't." Dipper felt himself get flustered. Did he?

"Believe what you want to believe," Mabel said and it only made Dipper's mind wander deeper. "But call me when you realise you're in love!"

Dipper chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I'll call you in another world."

"Bleh you're no fun, I've got to go Dipdop so I'll talk to you in another universe, love you."

"Love you too Mabes."

Their call ended.

When Bill came home later that night Dipper had his legs tucked underneath him on the sofa and was reading a dog-eared book. Dipper glanced up at him, he was wearing an outfit that became discernibly more prevalent the more meetings he attended. His blond hair disheveled and a button or two undone to polish off the look, however it made no dent in the way he was still so effortlessly enchanting.

Dipper wasn’t sure if he was jealous of the guy or if he actually liked him.

“Long meeting?” He folded down the corner of the page he was on and set the book aside.

“Long and terrible,” Bill corrected and sunk next to Dipper. “How was your day off?”

“Boring.” Dipper replied and reached over. “You want a hug?”

“No.”

For a rushing moment Dipper felt the dreaded welling of rejection burst up his throat but Bill laughed and wrapped his arms around the brunet’s waist. “I need a nap, that’s what.”

“If you fall asleep now you’ll wake by four am and regret it.”

“Shh, I’ve got a headache.”

Dipper frowned and pressed the back of his hand against Bill’s forehead. “Do you want me to make you tea?”

“As long as it’s iced tea,” retorted Bill who now had Dipper pressed against the arm of the couch.

“Are you alright?” Dipper persisted but Bill only shifted down to rest his head against Dipper’s stomach. “Bill come on, you can’t deny your husband now.”

“Don’t play that card with me,” he mumbled and Dipper carded his hand through the blond locks, a calming gesture Mabel used to do when he studied too hard and when he needed a break.

“Well since you’re feeling alright I’ll leave you to it.” Dipper threatened to remove his legs from underneath Bill who responded by tightening his arms around Dipper’s legs.

“I’m divorcing you,” Bill said weakly.

“Bill,” Dipper warned.

“OK fine! I think I’m sick.” He admitted and Dipper only sighed. How could Bill climb the company ladder with ease but not tell people when he was ill?

“Now was that so hard to confess?” Dipper cooed patronisingly.

He managed to persuade Bill into comfy pyjamas (his size thankfully) and had to set out the bed so he could rest. Dipper quickly ran out the flat to buy some cold medicine despite Bill’s protests and tried not to linger on the idea of what a relationship with Bill would be like.

Dipper internally debated the idea the whole way home.

“Take it.” Dipper held his palm up to Bill’s face who scrunched his nose. “It’ll help you fall asleep.”

Bill hesitantly pinched the tablet from Dipper and quickly swallowed it with a glass of water. “You’re like my mother,” he remarked before he settled into the pillows.

“What can I say?” Dipper brought his shoulders up. “I was the mother hen of the group.”

“Glad I’ve got someone like you to look after me, kid.” He winked, or at least attempted to.

Dipper couldn’t sleep that night.

Bill kept shivering throughout the night and his stomach lurched with worry at how violently his shoulders were shuddering. He kept awake and gently rubbed Bill’s back despite how heavy his eyes felt, he also made sure that the blankets never left an inch of skin exposed to the cold air.

Dipper struggled to keep up at work.

He had already messed up five orders and ran to the toilet to stop himself from crying in front of a customer. He was undeniably tired but he still had another three hours to go and then run down to the pharmacy for medicine because Bill’s temperature had skyrocketed overnight.

“Are you okay Dipper?” Ada asked pulling him to the side when service had slowed down.

Dipper dragged a hand over his face. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“I can tell,” she snorted while he gently prodded the swollen skin under his eyes. “I thought you had the day off yesterday?”

“I did,” Dipper yawned and fixed his apron. “My boyfriend was sick and I stayed up looking after him.”

His brain was too slow to latch onto the mistake.

Ada’s face split in half with glee. “Boyfriend?!”

His head suddenly whirred back to power. “No! It’s not like that!”

“Sure,” she agreed sarcastically and bumped her hip against Dipper. “Take a twenty minute break, I won’t tell and besides you look like you’re going to pass out.”

He smiled at her appreciatively before trudging to the staff room and lying on the couch. He glanced at his phone, Bill hadn’t texted back yet, he hoped that he was still sleeping it off.

He set an alarm to go off in fifteen minutes and shut his eyes.

Dipper wondered if the nap worked at all because this blond customer looked too much like Bill and he wasn’t sure if he was hallucinating. “You should be in bed,” he deadpanned clutching onto the sides of the till.

“So should you,” Bill argued back crossing his arms over his chest. “Kid I’ll pay whatever hours you lose if I drag you home with me now.”

“No.” Dipper said defiantly even though the temptation of crawling into bed had crept into his mind more than once during work. “Did you take the tablet at two?”

“Yes mom,” Bill jokingly replied and stood in front of the counter hesitantly. He looked better than when Dipper left him this morning, but it was evident he was still under the weather with his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat and the way his breaths came out ragged. “…Come home with me?”

“I can’t just leave my job now, as much as I’d love to,” Dipper trailed off. “I’ll come home as soon as I can.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“OK, can I have a cortado and an almond croissant?” Bill’s grin slid back on his face easily.

“Anything else, sir?”

The corner of Bill’s mouth twitched up, threatened to laugh. “That’ll be all.”

-

He couldn’t help but think to himself at how innocent and young Bill looked like this. He was used to seeing him in suits, dress shirts and button ups, walking around in oxfords and everything tailored but dressed in a big black hoodie with his hair mused with sleep, Bill radiated a different aura. Almost vulnerable.

“What you looking at?” Bill cocked his head to the side and Dipper looked away.

“You look ten,” he joked quickly dismissing the idea in his head. “I want to put you in a suit, it’ll put my mind at ease.”

Bill didn’t respond, only nodding somewhat and focused on the TV. They were both settled in bed, in the dark and watching a shoddy episode of a series they’d never seen before. Dipper was glad that it wasn’t after nine-thirty.

“It’s weird.”

“What?”

“I think we’re lucky.”

Dipper shifted his body towards Bill more. “How come?”

“What are the chances of two strangers getting accidentally wed and not one of them is a murderer?”

Dipper gently kicked his thigh. “I thought that would be more profound.”

“It was in my head,” Bill replied. “I think the insane amount of meds you bought is getting to me, kid.”

“You sound the same to me,” Dipper said flippantly but cautiously took Bill’s chin in his hand anyway. “Do you feel worse?”

“Different.”

Oh.

“Different?”

Bill smiled softly. “Yeah, I’m going to stop talking before this drowsy tablet makes me say stuff.”

Dipper quickly put out the flame of interest that had ignited moments prior. He wasn’t going to do this now. He steeled his mind when Bill didn’t lean over to kiss him goodnight because Dipper needed to set barriers now before he could fall into a trap.

This isn’t happening, he chanted in his head when Bill lazily told him goodnight and rolled over to sleep.

Maybe Mabel was right, maybe that nap did take him to another universe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> k/c/b✨
> 
> PREVIEW FOR BFB:
> 
> "How are you?" He asks a little breathless, feeling a missing gear place itself back into his machinery. 
> 
> "I've been good thanks," Dipper replies meekly, the flush of his cheeks complimenting the tan he had gained over his gap year. 
> 
> 'Australia was the best fucking experience of my life.' Bill recalls Will gleefully emerging into their house after their trip. 
> 
> "How's college treating you?" Dipper quickly adds, hands twitching out slightly. 
> 
> "Good," Bill parrots and something new settles in the air. 
> 
> "You dyed your hair."
> 
> Bill runs his hand through his newly blackened hair, it was a stupid dare and half the team convinced him that girls would find it hot. 
> 
> "Yeah," Bill laughs almost bashfully. "D'you like it?"
> 
> Dipper timidly nods and gives him an approving smile. 
> 
> 'I've missed you. I miss you.'


End file.
